Comparison, the thief of Joy.

But let each one test his own work, and then his reason to boast will be in himself alone and not in his neighbor. For each will have to bear his own load.

Galatians 6:4-5

Some days are more challenging than most. I have had a few of those. Days where I have questioned why things come easy for some people and not for others. 

I was raised in a very competitive environment. This was always accompanied with comparison after comparison. Many times, I was asked, ' why can't you be like so and so?', don't you admire attaining success like so ......? Well, I was always trying to measure up to that standard. Anything less, and I had failed in their books.

Theodore Roosevelt said, “Comparison is the thief of joy.”  Well, this is very much true of my childhood, my teenage years, and the earlier years of my adulthood.  I was unhappy and often felt inadequate.  I felt like I needed to be who these people wanted me to be if I was ever to receive their approval, their love, their acceptance. 

I wasted time chasing success by someone else’s definition and ignoring my own calling. 

This was not living at all. It made me begin to focus on what was lacking rather than what I had. or who I was.  I was dissatisfied. Nothing was ever good enough.

We often hold ourselves to unrealistic standards set by society, media, and social media. Nobody's life is that perfect. Even the people I was always compared to, were not/aren't perfect. That's because we may not be shown the challenges and struggles other people face.

Lately, I have been reminded that I need to run my race; the one marked out for me. To focus on being grateful for who the LORD made me to be, to be happy with my own successes. To enjoy my own journey. To find Joy, even in the little things. I don't need to look at another person's journey to determine my own Joy. 

All of us have incredibly personal needs and wants, just as we have our own personal privileges and obstacles. If we constantly compare ourselves to others and find that we don’t measure up, it can lead to feelings of inadequacy and low self-esteem. We may start to believe that we’re not good enough, or become overly competitive, thereby ruining relationships and losing sight of what’s important and meaningful.

I have forgiven and continue to forgive those that hurt me with their words, with their constant pressure. I know that they were not intending to cause me any harm. They truly believed that they were doing the right thing and were trying to guide me on a good path.

I have healed from the pain they inflicted on me. I have learned to stay focused on my own race. 

I have also learned to celebrate others when they achieve success. Other people's progress doesn't cause me any grief. Instead of jealousy, I have learned to be happy for others. It's better, it's not draining. It's freedom. It's Joy. 

Wings clipped, but I will rise!

It's been a while since my last post. This one is a bit odd.

Lately, I have been put in a position where I simply do not know what to say, how to say it or how to react. If I say something, there is a possibility that it will be perceived differently from what I am actually saying. This is draining. 

I can't even freely show facial expressions anymore. My eyes, my head, my lips, they have a mind of their own. They sometimes go where I don't send them. They pretty much land me in hot soup. I am really stuck between a rock and a hard place. 

It's even hard when you can't speak your mind because you are afraid. This is not living. My freedom is not free. I don't want to turn into the person that I am not. It's suffocating. 

I am afraid again. I am taken back to days when I was scolded as a child. When I was forced into a shell. I hate this shell. I want to be free again. But I am Afraid! Afraid of what can happen if I speak up. 

If I could scream out, I would.  But that wouldn't be alright, would it? Hmmm, just when I thought these times will never come back again.

My chest is pressed. The words I can't speak out, my mind makes louder now. It's really loud. It's endless and I am restless. I am Afraid again. 

What happens now? My mind has raced to many places. This anxiety, who will carry it away?

I have treasured the presence of carefree expressions for sometime.

I know I will return someday. I will be able rest easy again. I will laugh again.  I will get my HAPPY back. I will be myself again.  

For now I hold back. I will wait until my wings are strong enough to fly again.

                ‘The truth will set you free. But not until it is finished with you.

                                                        David Foster Wallace

She left a beautiful legacy.

My mom was special. And I am not saying this just because she was my mom. No amount of sweet words can even begin to describe her. She will forever be the greatest. She loved well.
I learned a lot of things from her. I learned a lot of valuable life lessons from her. She was a strong, brave woman. She was a hard worker.

 
Losing my mom has been very difficult. Most people know me to be  a very strong woman, but no amount of strength can reduce the pain of losing her. 9th October 2016 was a very dark day. I lost the woman that cherished me through my best and worst days. I lost my best friend, my confidant. There is still a big void. It hurts.

What I have appreciated though is the way that my mom lived her life. She knew how to live well with others. She did not burn down relationships. She worked hard, loved the people in her life well. She had very good principles that I was privileged to tap in. There is a lot about her that I am appreciative.

A few months ago, some one that was close to my mom called me and said he wanted to see me. Upon seeing me, he just started weeping. He was crying uncontrollably. He then told me of how my mother meant so much to him. My mom was always hospitable and caring. That is just one example of the so many people that my mom touched with her life.

Sometimes I wonder how I will be remembered once I am gone. The way I live my life will have a great impact on those around me. My children will either be embraced or rejected by some people, depending on how I live my life. The way I live my life does not end with me when I am gone.
My mother lived well. So many people embrace us (her children) because of the way she loved them.
The way I live now matters. It doesn't stop with me. My mom lived well and left a beautiful mark and I celebrate that.
x

Fathers

This post has taken me this long to compose and share. This is a real sensitive one for me.
Considering that Father’s day was celebrated over a week ago, this would seem like a late post. It isn’t. I just needed to find the right words to pen down.

Last year, I listened to a song that Chris Tomlin and Pat Barrett sang about God being the good father. Those are some of my favourite lyrics ever. Words that i constantly listen to over and over. This song speaks to my heart in a very beautiful way.

As I listened to that song for the first time, I just cried. I cried because I started to recall all the experiences I have had with human fathers. I can say that most of the father figures I grew up with were not good fathers. I was hurt by those that were supposed to protect me. For many years, I had a sad picture of dads. They were a disappointment. My childhood was not pleasant as a result.

My son’s dad, with his absence from our lives has not made matters any better. It seems like fathers in my life have distorted my reality of who fathers are meant to be. It was just a crafted scheme of the enemy to bring this kind of deception.

I could have easily stayed in that state of thinking that fathers are bad but God has been showing me over and over that I am not without a good daddy. That I have always had a good father and he would never forsake me or cause me harm.

Beginning this year, I think the loudest message I have received over my life is that I am a child of the King and He is good and He loves me. I have a good father.
I am not making this up, His word tells me I am His daughter. There is a lot of that confirmation in the scriptures but i will use two.

1 John 3:1 tells me “See what kind of love the Father has given to us, that we should be called children of God; and so we are.
Ephesians 3:14-15, Paul prays, "For this reason I bow my knees before the Father, from whom every family in heaven and on earth is named…

God’s fatherhood is forever and it cannot be tainted by the way our earthly fathers reflect fatherhood. The pictures and experiences we have of our fathers should not limit our ability to understand God’s Eternal love for us, His children. Jesus Christ made a way for us to be embraced lovingly, Eternally by God our Father.

This year’s father’s day wasn’t sad/weird. I was celebrating my daddy. The Good Father. And I pray constantly for my son, that his picture of a father will not be stained by his dad’s never being there. I am glad that my son knows Jesus and he is so much aware that God is his father and He loves him so much.

I have also seen very good dads around me. I have seen this through my friends at church. My Pastor and friend is a very good dad to his two babies. I see a father who loves his children and who would do anything to protect them. I know now that there are good fathers and I thank God for them.

How I pray that every dad will be the person that God intended him to be; a father reflecting God the Good Father.

JOY NO MATTER WHAT.

Huge statement! With the way the year has been going for me, choosing to agree with these words has not been easy. The LORD however has been preparing me in more ways than I had anticipated and  because of that I can say it is possible to embrace Joy No matter what one is going through.

To start with, I have gone through irritable harsh times over and over and there would be no reason for me to be joyful (in a typical world). But I am realizing daily that i am not living typical. I am much more than that. Realizing my identity  has made things much more meaningful. There have been painful, sad days and heartbreaks but I have enjoyed a few happy days.

Illnesses have been constantly invading my home. My  Hamlet has not enjoyed a single full month free from sickness. My Ma was recently hospitalized and I thought I was going to lose her. I felt helpless. It was a scary time for me. I am still amazed at how God calmed my heart during that visit with ma in hospital. He kept reassuring me over and over that the enemy does not get to win. And as I watched her, I had to keep holding back tears and telling myself that it is well. Ma is still battling illness but I am not afraid. God is in charge.

At church yesterday, the preacher’s theme for his sermon was JOY NO MATTER WHAT, and that is where I got my inspiration for this blog post. I enjoyed the message. He preached from Philippians 3. But before that, he went over the first and second chapters of this letter briefly.

Paul is in prison but even in prison, 17 times he says rejoice, be happy. Be joyous. Of all places, a prison is not a vacation that one can gladly write mail to loved ones encouraging them to rejoice. But Paul knows that he has something that is far bigger than comfortable living conditions. Something that even prison can’t take away. And as such he says rejoice.

With all that is going wrong, I can celebrate what is going right and I will find Joy.

For one, My niece who came to live with me last year and who has been Muslim because both her parents are staunch Muslims, accepted Jesus in her life Nov 1st last year and she got baptized on 17th April, My birthday. What a gift Heaven was giving me on that day! Ma was still in critical state, I wanted to stay with her but the next day was the day my niece was getting baptized. I couldn’t miss that for anything in the world. I got on the bus traveled almost 5 hours back home to be with my niece and to be there on the day she was baptized. It was a day filled with so much mixed emotions. God is amazing. I can celebrate that. I can find Joy in all that HE is.

If I cannot find joy in other things, I can rejoice in knowing that I am loved. That I am saved. While we were yet sinners, Christ died for me. If I do not rejoice in the LORD, things of this world will break me. Just like how my year has been going so far, if I did not rejoice in God, I would be totally messed up.

I am not perfect yet, I may not get perfect anytime soon but I desire to seek God’s purpose for saving me. I will try to find Joy in all situations. I can celebrate that I am unique. That I have a purpose. A purpose for me. I will seek to find Joy no matter.

Bullies.

My son has told me on several occasions of moments that have been awful for him because of other kids mistreatment. Some kids can mean to be hurtful and my Hamlet has been on the receiving end of some of these kids’ meanness. 

On one occasion, a girl bigger than he is thought it was funny to push Hamlet off a swing. This landed him face down and he was hurt. She threw him down again by running into him as he stood on the school compound the next day. And these are the few times that he has told me about. I think there were days that she picked on him or hit him and he did not tell me because he is a boy and he sometimes finds it difficult to admit that a girl is the one responsible for causing him pain.  I must confess I was harboring bad thoughts for that 8/9 year old girl.

Leaving Hamlet’s bully aside, I have come to realise there are older bullies. I am encountering one myself. At first I thought that this lady is just rude but with time I have come to see that she is just a bully. She likes making everyone around her feel small. To her, you don’t have an opinion. She does the talking. You have to listen to her or risk being belittled and put down. 

How do I relate to such a person who constantly makes me feel irrelevant? I can’t avoid her because I deal with her more times than I wish I did. One would suggest confronting her. She is not one to listen to such. Talking to her will make things even worse than they were before.

Bullies make the environments they live in less interesting, less pleasant to stay in. The girl that has been bullying my son really needs prayers so that when she grows up, she doesn’t turn out to be like the bully I am dealing with at the moment.

TRUST

I have been trying to understand what it means to trust. I think I am a bit too trusting at times that it is hard for me sometimes to understand why people are over protective (even when not necessary), less trusting, very suspicious of everyone around them. 

It can get real bad and hurtful at times when I realize that there is so much mistrust. How can one give you so much responsibility over things yet keep looking over their shoulder, hovering over you, monitoring your every move? I hate it. I hate it when I feel that someone is ever suspicious. It puts me in a bad place. If trust cannot be given fully, then you should leave it all together. 

Don’t trust me to stay in your house but lock all your drawers each time you are leaving me by myself in your house. One would be stupid not to realize that you don’t trust them enough to leave your drawers open.What would be the reason for doing that if I have never given you cause to do so? It makes me wonder sometimes if people fail to trust due to other unspoken reasons. 

The person that is put in that predicament often feels small if they know you are not trusting them enough. I try not to do it because I hate anyone doing it to me. The only reason that would cause me to not trust someone is if they have broken my trust over and over. Most times I choose to trust. 

Being suspicious of others normally does not remain unnoticed. The person you are suspicious of usually knows. They may never confront you about it, but they know! And they hurt so bad. No one wants to feel that way.

When you choose to not trust someone, you better have a smart reason for that. Don’t just get prejudiced and makeup reasons to be suspicious of people.

That is it. I have finally said it.